Unless the Lord Builds the House: Post Surgery Update

Well friends, this has been one of the hardest weeks since diagnosis. Surgery was last week and I have spent the days since, in bed recovering. The procedure was, in the surgeon's words, "quite challenging" and so it makes sense that recovery has been as well. Without going into too much detail, there were several factors that made it more complicated than expected, one being related to multiple c-sections that I've had. Suffice it to say, my pain level has been quite high. I have been avoiding opioid pain relievers because of the already huge job my liver has with chemo so pain relief has come in the form of trying to sit still. Even then, the pain, at times, has been unbearable and obviously, it is not possible to sit still 24/7. Today is the first day I feel like I can move around and, oh my, cough, without tears. Some might be grateful for a week in bed but trust me, under these conditions, it does not a holiday make. I have been having vision/concentration issues (related to chemo) and I'm still nauseous and dizzy enough that I wasn't even able to make a dent in the pile of books sitting beside my bed which I had so been looking forward to. I basically had the whole week to sit and resist the urge to feel sorry for myself. I won't lie, some days, I did more embracing than resisting.

Through this whole journey, I have really tried not to ask, why me? I mean really, why not me? Would seeing someone else go through this make me feel better? No! Not at all! But I won't lie and say I haven't wished I didn't have to go through it either. Being in constant pain, which up until this point, I haven't had, is a game changer. And watching other people carry on with their lives when you're stuck somewhere is hard. No matter what you're going through.

But then there is the verse I keep thinking of that says to be thankful in everything. In everything? Really? Yup.

Everything.

Ugh. But it is possible. In the same way that Corrie Ten Boom and her sister, Betsie were thankful for the fleas in the concentration camp that kept the guards away, it is possible (although Betsie figured it out first, while Corrie needed a bit more convincing). They showed us how to be thankful for things that draw us closer to the Lord.

Even if it is unpleasant.

I'm going to be honest and confess that I don't always enjoy writing about this. I mean I do enjoy writing. Most of the time, it is an outlet for stress, a way to communicate with others and a way to document all of these details in case I ever forget. But some times, I just want to hide away and not share anything with anybody. I just want to be alone with my self pity and feel miserable. But if there is one thing I have said to my kids over and over again (besides the fact that swimming is a personal sport), it is to never trust your feelings. Feelings come and go like the wind and change just as frequently. When you are in doubt, always go with what you KNOW. Inculcated truths are invaluable when you are experiencing difficult times (this is also the same reason why all those hours spent memorizing times tables pay off during a math test but I digress).

Some days, you just have to bypass how you feel. There, I said it. Not a super popular thought these days when we are bombarded with messages to "follow our hearts". Our hearts are deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9) In case you thought you were a good person, there is Mark 7:21-23, "For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, theft, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness: All these things come from within, and defile the man". Recognize anything there that sounds familiar? I know I do.

So what should we do? Focus on what we know! Use the armour of God when we are bombarded with these dangerous and destructive thoughts.

In other words, fight back!

Speak scriptural truths from the living Word of God. When I feel myself retreating into myself and I start leaning toward melancholic feelings of self pity and misery, it's easy to forget these truths and just focus on how I feel. We must know how to effectively conquer those feelings when, not if, they come. However, just knowing what to do is not the same thing as actually doing it. It is an actual battle some days to do what you know is right. I know I'm not the only one who knows this to be true. And that being thankful in some things, let alone all things, is not an easy thing to do.

But today I am going to do that. I am going to be thankful. Thankful for these wounds that push me toward God and remind me that I am weak but He is Strong. I am going to refuse self pity. I am going to acknowledge that I am here on this journey for a reason. And that all of this matters.

And I am going to be thankful.

Today.

In all things.

Not sure who else needs to read this today.

I Must Tell Jesus

I must tell Jesus all of my trials;

I cannot bear these burdens alone.

In my distress He kindly will help me;

He ever loves and cares for His own.