Unless the Lord Builds the House: The Good, The Hard and the Beautiful

I apologize as I did not mean to take an almost month long break. Life as we know it has been turned almost upside down and I admit, I am struggling to find balance. Finding balance before cancer was not always easy so it's no surprise that it is a challenge for me now. We are so thankful for you all and for our friends and family who remember us in prayer. I know that it is these prayers that help us and remind us to Whom we should look to for help. He is so Gracious and Loving and Kind. I cannot imagine doing any of this without Him. I have a lot to share today so let's get started! (Long post warning! But I think when I only post once a month, I can get away with it!) 😊

The Good!

Long drives to dr's appointments means getting to enjoy this beauty that I might have otherwise missed.

The tumor in my lung continues to shrink! In August, it measured 31 x 23 mm (1.2 in x .9 in) and at the CT scan at the end of October it is currently measuring 15 x 16 mm. (.5 in x .6 in) That is a big deal! And we are so thankful! I knew something was up before the scan because my cough had started to gradually subside as did the rumble in my lung when I breathe. The cough is practically non existent at the moment and I am so thankful for that! Until something is so consuming, you don't realize what a gift it is not to have it and even though those numbers look so small, once you consider the space they are in, you can see why they are such a concern. I can't even describe how wonderful it was to talk to the radiation oncologist and have him tell me that radiation would not be necessary right now and for me to continue with the current protocol that is working. Thank you Jesus!

The subcarinal lymph node that was originally measuring 12 mm (.5 in) is now measuring 7.4 mm (.3 in) and the precarinal node that was measuring 10 mm (.4 in) is now unremarkable. Even the 25 mm (1 in) cyst on my ovary has shrunk to 10 mm (.4 in). I have never been so happy to see "unremarkable" so many times on the rest of the report. They continue to watch a 5-6 mm lesion on my liver but as of right now, it does not appear to be concerning.

Their words:

HEPATOBILIARY: No interval change in size or appearance of a 5-6 mm hypoattenuating focus involving posteriorly in segment 6 of the liver. This is too small to characterize however most likely represents a small cyst or hemangioma.

This is good news! I know my liver is under a terrific load right now so I am very thankful for this. I am trying to care for it and support it as much as I can, when I can. It has an enormous job to do!

I am continuing to eat a mostly plant based diet. I say mostly because there are times when my body just craves animal protein. I am not sure if this is my body telling me I need it or if it is just a habit formed from a life time of eating that way. Listening to your body can be a tricky thing. Either way, a small piece of chicken or fish relieves the shaky feeling I sometimes get after a salad for breakfast. If I do indulge, I keep to a keto diet but I would say I am about 98% plant based at the moment. There are so many great food choices for a plant based diet so I rarely feel deprived. Once you get over the initial shock, that is. It's the treats that I may or may not be having a harder time giving up. When I look at the big picture, it's easy to see why no sugar is necessary and is a good decision for me. Telling myself I will never eat another piece of chocolate or (for my fellow Canadians) a Tim Bit or an Ice Cap? Hmmm, that takes a bit more convincing. There are yummy things that I can have so I am trying to focus on that rather than what I can't have.

Speaking of yummy things...

Dinner!

This is a Matcha Green Tea frappaccino. It's not perfect but if I order it with coconut milk, sugar free vanilla and no whip, it's pretty close. And they spelled my name right so it's a win. Thank you so much S + C for introducing me to these! You are friends indeed!

I can eat any veggies with a glycemic index under 50. And that's pretty much it. (The cashews above were a treat!) No meat, dairy, grains, or fruit with the exception of a few berries. I can have quinoa since it is not a grass but rather a pseudocereal botanically relative to spinach and amaranth. (Wikipedia) I am including the diet part of my journey in the good section of this post because it is good! Yes, it is also hard. A huge learning curve? Absolutely! Do I have it down 100%? No, not yet. But that doesn't make it less good or good for me. I've heard people say that they would rather die than eat this way. Well, I look around at my life and my family and all I have to live for and I disagree. I am in a very serious battle at the moment and I need all the help I can get and if this helps me, then it is 100% worth it. Even if it's hard. Especially if it's hard. Speaking of...

The Hard!

There are some parts of this journey that are harder than others. And not just for me but also for the people around me. The side effects of these medicines are just plain hard. Yes, they are doing their job and we are so incredibly thankful for that but this is a nasty business. You trade some things for other things but you don't get to have everything. Yes, the tumor is shrinking but there is a price for that. And my family all pays, not just me. I can't shield my children from this like I would prefer. They see me at my best and also at my worst. A little bit of their carefree childhood is gone and I can't do anything about it. It breaks my heart to see them cope with something like this but then they surprise me and rise to the occasion. My adult children know what is at stake and I am so thankful for their willingness to help when necessary. Honestly, they have been so thoughtful and helpful. I wouldn't have wished this for us but this is the journey we are all on together and although I can't change all of the details or which way the road may go, I can change how I react to those details. And that friends, is the battle.

Stage 4 cancer is a different type of cancer and there is still so much they don't know about it, including treatment options. It is incurable. It's not about 'catching it early'. Once it's there, it's there. We may be able to manage it for a very long time, but it won't just go away. My oncologist is the first to admit they don't really know what they are doing when it comes to treating Stage 4 cancer. They are dealing with cells that have learned to survive and thrive. Conventional chemo does not work. So they try something until it stops working and then they try something else and continue this until nothing else works. This isn't a great long term solution but that is the reality. This causes us to have to think outside the box as well. I am not opposed to unconventional treatments. In other words, to throw everything we can at this.

Unfortunately, most of the side effects aren't something you can "see". That is probably the biggest stigma with this type of cancer. The most notable side effect I have is dizziness. This is a side effect of all 3 pharmaceutical medicines I currently take so it makes sense that it would be at the front. If you have ever tried to get through your day with a bad case of vertigo then you know how this feels. It is sometimes just annoying and other times, it is debilitating. It can interfere with reading and with writing and just standing sometimes, let alone moving around. When it's bad, I can't focus on a screen to write or to even watch a show with the kids. I haven't been able to drive for a while either and this alone presents it's own set of challenges for our family. There is medication I can take to relieve the dizziness but I learned the hard way that my body does not tolerate it. So I have to make it through the day the best I can. Right up there with dizziness is fatigue. Again, I'm not talking about the kind of tired you feel at the end of a busy day. This is unlike anything I've ever known. And I've been plenty tired in my day!

These drugs also cause neutropenia and leukopenia which lower your white blood cell count which in turn lowers your ability to fight bacteria which make you susceptible to every germ out there. On top of mouth sores and rashes, there are the gastrointestinal issues. All of these things make leaving the house very challenging. These are just some of the physical aspects but there are also emotional aspects. These pills can cause depression, anxiety and a whole host of nervous disorders. Not to mention menopause. Ok, any joke I've ever made about menopause, I take it back most profoundly. What takes some women 5 or so years to accomplish, these pills accomplish in a few short weeks. So if being awoken 5 to 6 times a night with extreme night sweats and hot flashes is contributing to the fatigue, it at least makes sense. And I'm so emotional! If I make it a whole day without crying about something, it is a good day. My short term memory? I have taken "what did I walk in here for" to an all new level! Maybe if I had had time to adapt to these changes, they might be more bearable (but also quite possibly not) but like I said, a few weeks is what it took to go from peri-menopause to post menopause. Not for the faint of heart. There is medication you can take to alleviate some of these symptoms but I can't take it because the whole point is to lower my estrogen level so they aren't going to give me anything that might potentially raise it.

At this point, the doctor begins to talk to us about quality of life verses quantity and this is, of course, something I struggle with. At what point do we accept or even know, what the course that life is going to take for me will be? These drugs aren't just for a few months and then you're done. They are for the rest of my life. Providing they don't stop working at some point. And that thought is overwhelming to me some days. All I know is that for right now, THIS day, I don't have to decide anything. I can completely trust the Lord in all of His Goodness to decide that for me. Tomorrow, which has enough problems of it's own, will take care of itself. Which brings me to the Beautiful!

The Beautiful!

Oh my, just to stand here and take in all the sights and smell of the ocean is medicine for me. Love, love, love it so, so much!!

Also beautiful, this is in sickness and in health. Thank you Phil for being with me, walking through this with me, praying for me and caring for me no matter what. I love you!

There are some parts of this journey that I would trade in a heart beat. I think you've just read most of them. Some things that I would not trade are the times of close communion with the Lord. When I cry out to Him and He hears me and comforts me. When I can let go of absolutely everything (which is quite the feat for this momma who likes to be in control of things) and just trust that whatever comes, whatever I have to face, I will not do it alone. He is with me. Always. That our future, whatever it holds, is not unknown to Him. It is specific and necessary regardless of how well I understand it. That He loves me beyond human comprehension and there are no words to adequately describe it. He knit me together in my mother's womb and knew me before the foundation of the world. I was in a horrible place when my sin separated me from Him and He loved me so much, He sent His Son to redeem me, even though it would cost Him so much. He left His rightful place to come here and accomplish the Work that would justify me to stand before Him, even though I had no right on my own to do this. I was lost in my own sin and He found me and picked me up out of the mire and set me on a Rock. He left His Word to speak Life and Truth to sanctify me in the process of being less of the sinful person I am and to be more like Him, which is a journey I will be on until I take my last breath. Do I deserve this? Am I somehow better than others? Absolutely not! The only difference is that I am forgiven. Right now, not everything makes sense because we see through a veil in this sinful world but one day, we will stand before Him. And see Him face to face. What a glorious day that will be!

I have no worth of my own but only what He has given me. I don't even have a right to say any of these things except that He gives me the right and wants us to share with those around us that they might know this Joy and Peace abundantly as well. And give Him all the praise and all the Glory and trust Him each day, every day. And what do I get in return for this? Peace. Perfect Peace. Peace that passes understanding. Which means that if you are reading this and you do not know Him this way, you will not understand it. But oh, how I wish you could. That you would not have to live another day without knowing His Peace. It is why I can sing His praises regardless of the outcomes of any tests. It doesn't matter if my perception of the news is good or bad, when it is from the One who loves my soul, it is Good.

It is always Good.

And oh how thankful I am for that.

~ Leaning on the Everlasting Arms ~

What a fellowship, what a joy divine.