The Treasures Of Darkness

I'm just starting my 6th (!!) cycle of treatment! Where has the time gone? I am a bit more prepared for each cycle now and although there is still plenty of room to be surprised, there is also usually a fairly predictable pattern. The first week can be relatively easy. These drugs work by building up in your system and there really isn't much in there yet the first week. If I have any deep cleaning to do around the house (if? haha) or we need to do a big grocery shop, the first week of the cycle is the best time for that to happen. The second week can still be pretty good but I start to feel more tired. Everything is still fairly manageable but I can feel a bit of a drag in my step and I will sit more throughout the day. The third week, fatigue sets in. This is when I start needing a bit more help around the house, ie carrying laundry baskets, washing floors, etc . My balance will go if I bend for anything so although I might sweep the floor, someone else will have to pick it up. I won't be able to get clothes out of the dryer this week either. The average day in the third week is a cycle of work, rest, work, rest, work, rest. As fatigue reaches it's peak, I am definitely ready for a break but unfortunately, the fourth week is a bit of a wild card. There really isn't actually much of a break at all until I've finished the fourth week and have started all over again. Weird, I know. 

Reading on an MBC chat group, I have found that I am definitely not alone in this. The fourth week or "break week" is also known as the "Guess What The Surprise Symptom Will Be Week" and it IS weird because it is never the same. My first "break week", I had a really bad rash all over and open sores all over my torso. The break week in October, I had many sores in my mouth and nose and on my lip! The surprise wasn't the sores themselves but just when they happened (break week) and the severity with which they happened. Eating and smiling were so painful! This time, I was completely prepared and even had prescriptions filled for mouth wash and nose cream in anticipation of them aaannnddd..... no sores! Instead, the mystery symptom was heart burn. I am no stranger to heart burn but this was more like heart burn, acid reflux and chest pain all rolled into one. We resorted to putting pool noodles under our mattress to try and keep my head somewhat elevated at night but I had it all day too. Over the counter medicines and natural remedies didn't help but thankfully, I was finally able to get some relief.  Pantoprazole is a proton pump inhibitor or PPI and is used to treat stomach acid issues among other things. It works (thank you Lord!) but the unfortunate part is that it isn't a good long term solution so I am really hoping that this is just one of those end of cycle mystery symptoms that will disappear soon. 

I really hope that it doesn't sound like I'm complaining. I am trying to keep an account of my symptoms and some of them just aren't fun. Usually though, once I start the cycle again, I am soon feeling more like myself. It almost feels a bit like maybe I'm adjusting to the chemo to the point that I am going through some type of withdrawal during the week off? I don't know for sure, it just kind of feels like that. 

During a Tea Time with my ladies group this summer, we were challenged, based on Isaiah 45:3, to look up passages in the Bible that deal with darkness, as a way of possibly getting a better understanding of the darkness that God sometimes allows in our lives. It was great timing for me. It wasn't to be complicated, just find a concordance and look up darkness in it and start writing down what you see. Some verses won't be exactly relevant but as the Lord speaks through His Word, there are treasures there, in the darkness, if you look for them. 

Starting with Isaiah 45:3

And I will give you the treasures of darkness, 

And hidden riches of secret places, 

That you may know that I, the Lord, 

Who call you by your name, 

Am the God of Israel.

I had to read that a couple of times. 

He will give us the treasures of darkness? And hidden riches of secret places? That we may know that He, the Lord, Who calls us by name, is the God of Israel. (emphasis mine)  

It took a while for that to sink in. I apologize if this all seems very plain to you but how in the world did I miss that? Of all the times that I have tried to escape the darkness, tried to run from it and fight it, I didn't realize that it was something I could learn to treasure! That I would find Him there in the darkness and know, that He, who knows me by name, is the God of Israel. I know better than to build an entire doctrine out of one verse but this was fascinating to me. It was most assuredly a pivotal moment in the understanding of my own times of feeling alone in the darkness. 

Trust me, I am neither a Bible scholar or a great theologian (or any theologian for that matter, never mind a great one!) but I do love the Bible and I love that as I grow in the Lord, there is so much more there that I didn't see before. As I studied more, I asked myself, is the treasure in the darkness or is the treasure the darkness itself ? Or perhaps both? Hidden riches in secret places? You have to search for them and I would really encourage you to do the same. You will be very surprised what you find. We don't have to be afraid of the darkness when it comes. He is there, even in the darkest of places and can and will transform those places into Light. His light. 

*Just a note to say that this is in no way intended to address depression or other feelings of anguish or despair. If you are feeling any of these things, please reach out to someone for help! 💓

For you are my lamp, O Lord, and my God lightens my darkness. 

2 Samuel 22:29 

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?

If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
 If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
 even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”

even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.

Psalm 139:7-12