It’s hard to believe that this is a milestone month for me. April 2007, 18 years ago, I was officially diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I was 35 years old and 32 weeks pregnant with our precious 6th baby, Abigail. There were so many unknowns, so many questions like how can this be happening and so many times to put our faith to the test. In many ways, much like today. 18 months later, I had another occurrence of breast cancer and opted for a unilateral mastectomy which closed out 2008 for us. After that, the Lord gave us ten glorious years of remission that I was able to care for my family and put cancer on the backburner or as far as it goes from your mind once it’s been there and truly I am so incredibly thankful for that! What a gift and a blessing for each of us! Fast forward to my ten year cancer free anniversary in April 2019 and I was struggling. I had been sick most of the winter that year with various colds and just couldn’t seem to get ahead of a nagging cough that had stayed with me all winter as well. And my energy was just gone. We were in the middle of planning the first wedding in our family and I felt like I had so little to contribute. Finally, after testing, we got word in July, the cancer had returned, this time to my lung and that began this part of the blog to keep our family and friends updated with my new diagnosis of Metastatic Breast Cancer.
I was offered treatment with an aromatase inhibitor and a hormone blocker and was told that they usually last for 5 years although the median life expectancy for someone with Metastatic Breast Cancer is 3 years. There were side effects to be sure but overall my body responded well to the treatment and I was so thankful to be able to be with my family and be relatively pain free for those five years. The tumour in my lung had periods of growth and periods of stability but overall, my ability to do life and the things I enjoy were there in abundance. Again, thank you Lord.
That brings us to last year, June 2024. Almost five years to the day I was diagnosed with MBC. Again, it had been a really hard winter. Again, multiple viruses that I just couldn’t get ahead of and again a familiar cough and zero energy that should have tipped me off sooner than it did that something was amiss. Scans revealed the original tumour back in my lung plus a new one. The first new growth in five years. Treatment options are few at this point so we decided to try some steroids to see if it would help my lungs. I think it’s fair to say it did not help. The first scan after steroid treatment showed widespread metastases and that is where I find myself now. This was another really hard winter. Not always in the same ways as in the past, my family is much older now and there is so much more help but hard in the wrapping of your head around fluid changes and new normals that can be completely overwhelming to grasp at times. And with these changes came something that I had not yet truly experienced. Pain. Chronic, ugly pain that took me very much by surprise. It is emotionally draining and physically exhausting and demands a new level of respect and this is coming from someone who has birthed 7 children! This season has been a learning curve for me for managing that pain. Finding the right balance for me means experimenting somewhat. Too much pain medication and I’m out of commission, too little and I’m out as well. Still wanting to be present and involved but understanding that there are just some things that I cannot do anymore and allowing myself to grieve for that but moving on and focusing on what I can do. Understanding that this can change nearly daily.
The cancer has spread in my spine and so while most of the pain is in my bones, there is also a tumour in my C7 vertebrae which is pressing on a nerve. This causes excruciating nerve pain down my arm and into my hand. I will not share what typing looks like for me right now, it’s not pretty but thankfully I am still able to type for now. I’m waiting for a consult with a neurosurgeon to see if any help can be had before the damage is irreversible and I lose the use of my right arm altogether. I had radiation over the winter to my femur but this last round was to my lumbar spine as well as spots up higher up in my scapula and thoracic spine and it literally knocked me off my feet. Recovery has been slow and tedious.
When we look at it in relative terms, it all sounds a bit depressing and overwhelming. A bit hopeless, in fact. But in reality, that is just not what we are experiencing. What we see through the myriad of storm clouds IS hope. Hope that this isn't all in vain. Hope that Good can still come in many ways. Not hope that is seen because that isn’t really hope at all. Who hopes for what they can see? But we are hoping for what we can’t see and are waiting for it with patience. What exactly do I mean?
It would be nice to hear that the cancer is gone and I’m back in remission. It would be nice to see my tumour markers drop back into acceptable levels rather than doubling like they are at the moment. It would be nice to not have to think about the many different ways that cancer affects our family but what if cancer is what the Lord uses to draw each one of us closer to himself? Could I say no to that? Asking for a different set of circumstances to bring Glory to the Lord seems counterproductive so why not just use the ones we’re given? He is there.
My children have seen and experienced things that Phil and I could have just never given them on our own. Like one Tuesday evening when our church family showed up with candles and sang and prayed on our front lawn for over an hour. Those kinds of things are deeply moving and they change you. I know I have asked for mercy on my kids but they are here in the trenches with us and the Lord is showing them exactly how then should we live? Would I give them a life of ease and luxury if I could? If I’m being honest, it may have crossed my mind once or twice but no, I could never wish that for them now. Not when they’ve seen how the Lord truly cares for us and holds us with His mighty power which is made perfect in our weakness. And we are weak at times to be sure. No my tender plants, let the wind blow and shake you. You know Who your Redeemer is! You know and have seen first hand from where our Help comes from! How He calms the storm and even the wind and the waves obey Him. You’ve seen times of great peace in our house with laughter and fun even in the midst of a terrible diagnosis. You’ve seen Him hide us away in the cleft of His hand and cover us as well as provide for us in every way imaginable. You’ve literally seen God’s Word come to life before our eyes. This is a gift from the Lord in our parenting journey that I can never repay. And one that I’m seeing is growing and changing my family in so many ways.
This is what we hope for. That the Lord will use these experiences to grow and shape our children (and our precious grandchildren) into the men and women that He would have them be. That they would love and trust Him when things make sense but especially when they don’t. That ultimately their lives would be a reflection of Him and His wondrous love for us. A city on a hill that cannot be hidden. And we wait for it with hope.
~ I Will Sing Of My Redeemer ~
I will sing of my Redeemer And His wondrous love to me;
On the cruel cross He suffered, From the curse to set me free.
Sing oh sing, of my Redeemer, With His blood He purchased me.
On the cross He sealed my pardon, Paid the debt and made me free.
I will tell the wondrous story how my lost estate to save;
In His boundless love and mercy He the ransom freely gave.
Sing oh sing, of my Redeemer, With His blood He purchased me.
On the cross He sealed my pardon, Paid the debt and made me free.
I will praise my dear Redeemer, His triumphant power I’ll tell;
How the victory He giveth Over sin and death and hell.
Sing oh sing, of my Redeemer, With His blood He purchased me.
On the cross He sealed my pardon, Paid the debt and made me free.
I will sing of my Redeemer And His heavenly love to me;
He from death to life hath brought me, Son of God with Him to be.
Sing oh sing, of my Redeemer, With His blood He purchased me.
On the cross He sealed my pardon, Paid the debt and made me free.
Words: Philip P. Bliss 1876
Music: James McGranahan 1876
I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of God in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord and be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord.
Psalm 27:13-14
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