Just The Facts

Trying to navigate this new world I live in also includes trying to learn a new language. Funny (not funny) thing is, I really don't want to learn a new language. I like the one I know and understand quite well, the one I'm fluent in. This new language is confusing, frustrating and at times, just straight up depressing. I am not enjoying this part. Just when I think I am understanding it, something changes and I'm back at the beginning. Ugh!! But I am trying. So bear with me as I try to explain. And if it doesn't make a lot of sense yet, that is because I don't fully understand it all either.

*Warning - if medical mumbo jumbo isn't your thing or if you just can't read about anything to do with cancer diagnoses (trust me, I get it!), feel free to scroll past this part. For me though, it is a very important part of understanding what is happening to me so I am including it here.


Results from CT scan 17/06/19:

"Central airway is unremarkable. There is a 10 mm precarinal node which is upper limits of normal size. There is a 12 mm subcarinal node. There is marked thickening of the wall of the left upper lobe bronchus extending around the left lower lobe bronchus. There is a 18 x 26 mm (1.8 x 2.6 cm) mass in the left infrahilar region. This partially encases the left upper and left lower lobe bronchus. It causes significant narrowing of the left upper lobe bronchus and moderate narrowing of the left lower lobe bronchus. It does partially encase left lower lobe pulmonary arteries".


Since then, we have learned that the above lymph nodes in question, along with several others, did test positive for MBC (metastatic breast cancer) and based on a repeat CT scan done this week, the hilar mass (tumor), which also tested positive for MBC, is now 23 x 31 mm (2.3 x 3.1 cm). So it is growing. If the tumor was confined to the breast, it would be considered Stage II but due to the fact that is has metastasized to the lung, that makes it Stage IV. As far as the biology goes, the type of cancer I was diagnosed with in 2007 was ER (Estrogen receptor) positive, PR (Progesterone receptor) negative, and HER2 (human epidermal growth factor receptor - which basically looks at how fast it grows) negative by FISH (Fluorescence in situ hybridization). (Right? Was I kidding? A whole new language!) They are currently sending the biopsy results from the EBUS (endobronchial ultrasound bronchoscopy) I had done in July back to pathology to assess the biology of the current metastisis to determine whether it has lost it's HR positivity and to ensure it has not acquired a HER2 positive mutation. It would be really good if it hasn't.  Any changes to the HER2 status would mean that it has developed a more aggressive nature which in turn, would mean that treatment options would change yet again. Things can change quickly and a small, seemingly insignificant change can mean the difference between one treatment option and another. All that to say, I still do not have a treatment plan in place. To say this is frustrating is an understatement.

All of this is concerning not only because the tumor is growing but also because of where it is growing. I don't know how long it will take before it gets too big and cuts that airway off completely likely resulting in the collapse of the lung. So the sooner we deal with it, the better. Enter the dilemma. Attempt to shrink it first with radiation and then treat it later with drugs or treat it now with drugs and if it doesn't respond, then attempt to shrink it with radiation. This is what is currently being determined and trust me, waiting is hard. Since surgery is not an option because of the location of certain arteries, I'm inclined to think we should try and shrink it (with radiation) first, just to give me, quite literally, some breathing space. This will involve having to get another opinion. Which means another trip to oncology. Oh joy. Which takes more time. Of course. Which causes more frustration. Sigh.


*Continue reading here if you wanted/needed to bypass the technical part.

So how am I doing? About the same. I have times of complete peace and unwavering calm and trust. And I also have times of complete and absolute disbelief that any of this is actually happening and am hopeful that I will wake up soon, chalk it all up to a bad dream (a really bad one) and carry on with on my life. But sadly, this is real. The best they can give me is the possible hope of a bit more time here with my family but no one can say with any certainty exactly how long that will be. By their accounts, it is hopeless that I will ever be in full remission.


And yet that is where I disagree.


I think the minute we give up hope - complete, profound, stubborn and supernatural hope - for the seemingly impossible, we lose more than just hope, we miss the point completely. If we only hope for what we can see, is it really hope? What about hoping for what we can't see? What no one can see? What about situations that look, well, for the lack of a better word, hopeless? It doesn't make sense but we are still supposed to hope. So that is what I am going to do.

And as far as how long I will live? Our focus should never be on how much time we think we are entitled to live on this earth but rather our focus should be on what we should be doing with the time we've been given TODAY.

This is the day that the Lord has made. Not tomorrow, it has enough trouble of it's own. Not 5 years from now. Not 10 years.


THIS day.


And you know what? I'm going to rejoice and be glad in it.

I don't know about tomorrow;

I just live from day to day.

I don't borrow from its sunshine,

For its skies ;may turn to gray.

I don't worry o'er the future,

For I know what Jesus said; 

And today I'll walk beside Him,

For He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow,

I don't seem to understand;

But I know Who holds tomorrow,

And I know Who holds my hand.

I don't know about tomorrow;

it may bring me poverty; 

But the One who feeds the sparrow

Is the One who stands by me.

And the path that is my portion

May be through the flame or flood;

But His presence goes before me,

And I'm covered with His blood.

Many things about tomorrow,

I don't seem to understand;

But I know Who holds tomorrow,

And I know Who holds my hand.

Every step is getting brighter

As the golden stairs I climb;

Every burden's getting lighter;

Every cloud is silver lined.

There the sun is always shining;

No tear will dim the eye

At the ending of the rainbow,

Where the mountains touch the sky.

Many things about tomorrow,

I don't seem to understand;

But I know Who holds tomorrow,

And I know Who holds my hand.

~Ira Stanphill~

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest.

Joshua 1:9